Hank Gruberson Interview

Deep Sea Miners Disappointed to Find Ocean Floor Littered with Wet Stuff, Not Just Cool Shiny Metals

APRIL 1, 2023 — In a groundbreaking expedition that experts hoped would redefine resource extraction, deep sea miners were reportedly dismayed to discover that the ocean floor is predominantly covered in "wet stuff," as opposed to the expected abundant troves of cool, shiny metals.

"We came down here for a modern-day gold rush, ready to grab handfuls of nickel, cobalt, and all sorts of rare earth metals," said lead miner Hank Gruberson, while wringing out his socks. "Instead, there's just a whole lot of water, mud, and weird squiggly things. Frankly, it's a letdown."

The mining expedition, hailed as the pioneering venture into the earth's final frontier, faced unexpected challenges. "Sure, we anticipated some moisture, but this is excessive," Gruberson added, pointing to the ocean all around him.

Sources confirm that the mining robots, designed for picking and drilling, were woefully unprepared for the aquatic environment. One robot, after miserably failing to vacuum up a pile of mud, was seen attempting to shoo away a curious anglerfish.

A deep sea mining robot collecting metals underwater

The mining team's morale further plummeted upon encountering a group of unimpressed deep-sea creatures. "You'd think they'd never seen a mining rig before," complained Gruberson. "They just floated there, blinking at us. Zero respect for industry."

Environmentalists, who have long opposed deep sea mining, expressed a mixture of vindication and exasperation. "We've been saying there's more down there than just metals - like entire ecosystems," stated marine biologist Dr. Lila Rosenthal. "But no, they had to see the wet stuff for themselves."

The industry is now facing an identity crisis, with some miners advocating for a name change to "deep sea water and occasional metal hunting." Others propose a pivot to underwater tourism, selling tickets to see the very wetness that thwarted their original plans.

As for Gruberson and his crew, they remain at sea, holding out hope. "Maybe if we go deeper, we'll finally hit the jackpot and find that elusive, dry, metal-rich utopia," he said, staring determinedly into the murky abyss. "Or at least a spot where our socks can stay dry."